Anyways, My first MS fan fiction story. Hope it's ok. Please tell me where I can improve, if there are any mistakes, what you like and anything else.
Thanks for reading!


“Next” Rasped the curious creature who was sitting on the chair. “What is your name?” “Norman sir” The little creature replied in a sad voice. The commander kicked him. “Stand up straight and don’t give me the puppy eyes!” Thud, another kick. Small alien like creatures were being unloaded from a metal spaceship which was about as aesthetically pleasing as a stainless steel work surface. The creatures were being dragged by tall aliens. They had tall backs which curved at around their neck. Spines protruded left right and centre from all parts of their backs. It was clear you didn’t want to mess with these guys..

“Why do you think you should join the might of my army?” His voice boomed around the dark room and broke the sound of metal chains. “I think I’m a good team player and have great skills that you need.” The commander slapped him, “You think I need you? You think I don’t have your skills? I DON’T NEED YOU!” He was screaming at the poor creature. Norman looked at him and his eyes started to water with a few drips hit the cold floor. “Ahhhh, take him away, throw him with the other Mechs.” “Yes sir.” It was a monotone response from both of the Pliigi. “Garhhh, Why do I need these Mech?!” He shouted at one of the Pliigi sergeants.

“Sir, You remember the plan? We are trying to get their trust then steal their technology. That's not going to happen with you shouting at them..” Another slapping sound echoed through the metal hall. “I DON’T NEED PEOPLE TELLING ME THAT I’M WRONG!" WE’LL JUST POINT A RAY GUN TO THEIR HEARD AND ASK FOR THE BLOODY TECHNOLOGY!” Again the hall went silent as the commander was shouting. “Just get me some water.” His voice was raspy and that came of no surprise to the Pliigi workers!

Meanwhile below deck a creature was throbbing, Throwing his tentacles around. “I’m sorry sir, The process won’t go any faster.” The little short Mech replied. The creature wasn’t taking any of that, It threw it’s tentacles around madly. Another Mech was brought down from the deck. “Sir we have another one for you, He passed the tests in flying colours.” “Excellent, I’m just trying to sort out something with the General so give us a minute.” The mech looked around but was suddenly jerked away and started being dragged again. After about 5 minutes of passing various machines they stopped at a pit. He looked down and saw a huge ball of lava. “I’m sorry, We don’t need you any more Gordon.”

The only mistake I noticed was a stray " in paragraph three.

It's a good piece of work, but I had trouble understanding it in some places. I was a little distracted at the time or reading, but still, I had a bit of trouble following it. After rereading it once or twice, I understood most of it, but I'm finding it difficult to understand the end, by any chance, could you explain a bit more?

Don't look at my comment as bad, I really liked it! It really is a great piece. One of these days, I'm going to get around to writing my own fan fic. I've kinda got it figured out, now I just have to type it.

I had trouble understanding things in it also.

Sorry if it was a little confusing. It was rushed so I dare say thats why.
Apart from understanding it you think it was ok?

yes but the commander is mean

The poor Mechs

I read Ren's story about the enslaved Mech and decided to continue that theme.
So really it's based around Ren's ideas I've just tweaked them and developed a story.

Yes, other than being difficult to understand, it's still pretty good. Might have to try my hand at fan fiction.

You said that with my story. Are you ever going to make that happen?