this is my first story. It might suck. so here i go...

I had finally gotten out of prison. I had killed one of the leaders of the galactic federation a few years back in cold blood:

"I am here to see an um...Mr. Tartus." I said quite nervously as I stood at his receptionists desk.

"He will be with you in just a moment. If you could just please take a seat over there by the desk." Said a quite fat human receptionist. I will deal with her after i take care of that horribly corrupt dictator of Corinthia.

"Thank you miss." I said trying to refrain from a grin. "Oh and you will be subject to search for any hostile items on your entry. Well you see its all precautionary. With the civil war and all." She sighed. I could tell that she had lost someone to the war.

"That’s quite understandable." I laughed. I had a undetectable bomb to kill him. I was all set with my getaway too. It was a completely foolproof plan. I smiled. The receptionist starred at me odd. The phone rang and she picked up the phone.

"Mr. Tartus will see you now." She said. I stood up. I smiled again and walked into his office. Two mechs searched me and didn't find anything.

He was peering through his window that covered most of his office. It was a spectacular view of the city. There was a fire going off on an office building close by. That was my cue. "Hello Ted. How long has it been since I've seen you? 5 maybe 10 years?" A rather small chubby man chuckled. He turned around. "We used to be friends. I remember you quite well actually. We had a fight senior year. Have you come to seek your revenge?" He said as his eyes flashed red for a split second.

"You are smarter than I had thought Tartus. You killed my father the president of the galactic federation for power and became the dictator! How could i not seek revenge on you!" I screamed.

"Well i don't see how. Those mechs will find everything." He laughed again and his eyes flashed again.

I pulled out the bomb and pushed the two buttons. One would kill him and destroy half the building. The other half would shield me from the blast. The whole room exploded. I could feel the intense heat even through the shield. I turned on my jetpack as a fell. As i flew away the shield faded away. I looked back at the destroyed building feeling no regret. Their was a half circle sized hole in the building now. It was tumbling to the ground. I laughed manically and called my starship. I left the planet for what i thought would be the last time ever. I hid on my home planet for a week and they caught me. Someone from the first floor had surprisingly survived the explosion and had recognized me. She thought i had looked like a shady character. I was sent to prison.

Shockingly, I was only there for 10 years. A plasma pistol in my right hand, a small book with the words "Don't Panic" printed on the cover. Everything I needed to survive in the vast Milky Way galaxy. I was still going to be shunned from society because of what I did. I was walking around the employee parking lot looking for any way to get off the prison asteroid. Someone had wandered towards me.

"All right scum, quit loitering an' get outta’ here." A very large security guard yelled at me as he spat in my direction.

"Gee I would love to if you would provide transportation for the few of us that actually get out of this heck hole!"

"Why you dirt bag! You give the pliigi race a bad name! Just get outta' here!!!" He screamed at me.

"Fine then!" I yelled as i shot at him with the pistol. It was a direct shot to the head. I grabbed his ship keys he dropped when i shot at him. I pressed the panic button stupidly enough. A ship alarm went off in the distance. 10 years on this god forsaken prison asteroid had been long enough. I sprinted to the sound of the alarm. Plasma was barely missing me as they shot towards me. I had made it. Ironically enough his license plate said "big border guard” I hopped inside ignited the engine. He had one of the safest cars from when I had been thrown in jail. I sped off laughing at the low security at the time. And to think, I had been worried about not making it off the planet. I had thought I was in the all clear in terms of escaping. I would find a new name, hideout; I would use my plant DNA and change my face structure. All would be fine. And there had been 20 other prisoners released at the same time as me so it could have been anyone that killed that guy. Also, half of them had been pliigi just like me.

After flying for about an hour I had decided to let my guard down a bit. All would be fine I kept telling me. But then it hit me. I had no idea where in the galaxy I was. I slowed down as much as I could. I looked around to check my surroundings. There were thousands of asteroids around me. Well. Then I saw a green laser go right by my ship. I sped up to avoid getting hit by those lasers again. How had they found me so fast? I checked around the ship for anything that could allow me being found. I found a tracking device. Maybe they weren't as dumb as I thought...I started panicking. I had gotten careless and ran head on into a meteorite. It critically damaged the prison guard’s ship. I lost control of it. I started plummeting towards a planet...the ship had caught fire from a different laser they had shot at me... I looked forward and all I could see was a densely overgrown planet through the flaming window...all hope was lost...I was surely to die...





please be critical about the story. critisism is gladly accepted to make the next chapter better than this one. Thanks.

no posts yet...do you guys hate it so much you refuse to post to it. or is it that there are fewer people on this site everyday because of jagexes idiocy.

1. It's scattered, I couldn't really make sense of it all.

A. The dialog didn't really make sense.

B. Also, the beginning pretty much turned me off from the rest of the story. "I have the best lawyer in the business", then why'd you get into prison if you always win the case? If you decide to rewrite it (which I would do, if I were you), I'd suggest getting rid of that.

C. I like the use of flashbacks, so it could've explained the reason and moment of your character killing the leader.

2. Your vocabulary choice was weak, in my opinion.

3. I is always capitalized, you also spelled quite a few words wrong. Did you run it through a spell checker at all? If not, I'd suggest writing it on Word or a similar program so you can check grammar and spelling.

All right. I'll rewrite a lot of it, spell check and all the other stuff you said.

I finished all the corrections. I hope this one is a little better.

Pretty good, in my opinion. I might just have to write my own fanfic. Don't know if I can top yours. (Not sure if that is a compliment or not)

Hopefully, the next addition will be as or even more enjoyable than this one.

Thanks. I hoped people liked the revised version better than that first version.

Nicely done

thanks. I was waiting for your second opinion.

Is everyone enjoying it? I am getting worried since their has only been 3 non me posts. at least say it sucks

And that's how I usually feel when I post up a False War chapter... but I seem to be getting a slightly larger fan base now.

Alright, I will be completely honest with you. I took a look at your first version of this story, and honestly, I couldn't finish it, due to my dislike towards the many mistakes within the story... and I found myself lost here and there. I didn't want to post... because I wasn't sure what to say.

Ahem...

From there, you really beefed up this story quite nicely. But I did find some mistakes here and there, and some points which force me to reread through in order to figure out what is going on.

What I quite liked the most was the flashback, off in the beginning of the story.

The personal assassination with loads of collateral damage, along with the somewhat unnecessary kill on the guard simply reveals the insane mind of the character. I would like to see how the character develops.

Overall, good work!

Thanks

I find writing quite difficult, mainly because I always think everyone else is going to hate it. I usually revise and edit my writing at least three times. With my first chapter of Death I revised and edited it 5 times, if I remember correctly and the second chapter three times. I still think they're very bad, but people seem to like them.

Zeon, I agree completely with you, the main character seems brilliant.

I've found that you have to be a bit ballsey when posting/publishing a story or paper. I have 5 ideas I started on, but never finished, mainly because I think everyone would hate them... a lot. But, I consider Death my second-worst project I've ever started on, so maybe people would like my other stuff. I'm a bit happy you posted this... in a bad condition (no offence, lol). It shows that you have the guts to post something, and receive criticism openly. I don't like criticism, even though I should be open to it. I should stop trying to fix every minuscule detail. You have a lot of promise, and I'm can't wait to read the next chapter.

It is my goal in life to humiliate myself in public. So any mean things said to me don't affect me. Also i need to think of the next part of the story before i write it

Come on people! Critize and or praise! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am still thinking about the second chapter.

I need some more critizim and ideas for the next chapter plox