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alphawolf700
My first, probably won't be to good but I'm doing my best

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I slowly walked into the lab, wary of all the people crowding around me. Did all of them sign up? Or are they the doctors? Hundreds of questions plagued my mind. I sat down on the floor beside another man talking on his phone. His hand covered his mouth as he talked quietly. His eyes suddenly turned scared as if he had seen a ghost. I asked him what he was here for as he set the phone down. "I was here for it, but now I'm not so sure." I was about to ask him what the person on the phone had said when suddenly they called my name. I got up and walked over to the table. As I layed down on the table I noticed the man I had sat by looking at me with worried eyes. He slowly got up then hurried out. Was something bad going to happen? I quickly shook the thought seeing as the news was saying millions had already gotten it. They wrapped a rubber band around my arm and told me not to tense. Quickly they stabbed me with the needle and injected it. A warm feeling spread through my body, as if it were burning in my bloodstream. As I got up I felt dizzy. I was on the verge of unconsciousness. I stayed awake long enough to notice my veins glowing bright red. I fell to my knees on the floor and passed out.

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Please comment, all criticism is accepted.
EliteZeon
Interesting read.

I would like to see what happens next... Super Powers? Super Mutants? Zombie Outbreak...
Spire
This is exactly what a story should do, make the reader want more.
I am the reader, and I WANT MOAR!
Pipinowns
Nothing really grabbed my attention. It felt like an ordinary sci-fi story. The pace was confusing and the details were lacking.

If you want my advice, change the story. It's a rare sight to see an interesting, original, and entertaining story about an outbreak. Try adding more details which should in turn make more interesting environments and help the reader get into the story. Also, add more dialouge.

The best part of it would be the man with the cellphone. Try adding more details about him, and make his dialouge more interesting.
Alex
QUOTE (Pipinowns @ Aug 18 2009, 11:31 PM) *
Nothing really grabbed my attention. It felt like an ordinary sci-fi story. The pace was confusing and the details were lacking.

If you want my advice, change the story. It's a rare sight to see an interesting, original, and entertaining story about an outbreak. Try adding more details which should in turn make more interesting environments and help the reader get into the story. Also, add more dialouge.

The best part of it would be the man with the cellphone. Try adding more details about him, and make his dialouge more interesting.


I'd have to agree - I knew this story the second I heard the title, so you really need to polish it to make it stand out. It's not a bad piece of writing, and relatively interesting but it's not making me know what's going to happen next because I have a good idea already.
alphawolf700
QUOTE
I'd have to agree - I knew this story the second I heard the title, so you really need to polish it to make it stand out. It's not a bad piece of writing, and relatively interesting but it's not making me know what's going to happen next because I have a good idea already.


Trust me, it's not what you think.

QUOTE
The best part of it would be the man with the cellphone. Try adding more details about him, and make his dialouge more interesting.


He plays a big role later....

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