This is just a short extract from a short story i am currently writing. Let me know what you think.
Thanks
"My name is Jonathan Walter Anthony the 3rd. I am not special.
My father was a low level diplomat and my mother was a teacher, in a school house, near to where we used to live. I have a job, not a very impresive one, but it brings in the money I need to live the life style I choose. Im a gravedigger.
I have no children, no wife and no great halls of residence. Sometimes, when its warm and I have finished digging graves, I like to walk amongst the trees and the flowers that surround my village, I run with my finger's flowing through the tall grass in the feilds and I swim in the rivers. It gives me a sense of well-being and warmth.
On a Thursday,Firday and Saturday I spend the evening at the local Inn sharing banter and stories with fellow grafters. Occasionally I pay a visit to Agatha, who gives me the satisfation I so desperatly need at the end of the week. Not even the rivers, flowers and grass can give me as much joy as dearest Aggy.
Excuse me... for I am rambling now. Allow me to explain why you are reading about a meer gravedigger.
I stand accused of murder. Not one murder... but five. Five seperate acts none of them linked in any way.
My name is Jonathan Walter Anthony the 3rd and I am not special..."
Full Version: Story Extract
Aside from the misspelling of "diplomat" and "none", it seems good. It kept my attention well, even if it was short.
QUOTE (Dirk @ Aug 1 2009, 10:06 PM) 
Aside from the misspelling of "diplomat" and "none", it seems good. It kept my attention well, even if it was short.
Thank you for pointing those typing errors out. :)
If enough people post back I might put some more up.
Thank you :D
Though it may sounds harsh, I found the writing style a bit dull, and although I get the picture that he's sad, alone and feeling depressed (murders), it needs to liven up, not happy nor jolly, but the writing style, and I don't mean fun things happening to ruin the tension, but to enthrall the reader.
Also, the momentraly pauses (...) seemed to be used too often in such a short sentence, and the Aggy part could be extended to give a brief introduction to her, only a few words, perhaps (if she's like this) "That old woman, no matter how deformed, is what gave me meaning to life, and reason to keep going, step by step..."
Hopefully you didn't take it badly, just my opinion.
Oh, P.S. The bit where he describes himself, make it seem less like a blog "about me" if you know what I mean, perhaps causing it to be repeated to himself, as he already knew it (obviously!) but was saying it to himself.
Also, the momentraly pauses (...) seemed to be used too often in such a short sentence, and the Aggy part could be extended to give a brief introduction to her, only a few words, perhaps (if she's like this) "That old woman, no matter how deformed, is what gave me meaning to life, and reason to keep going, step by step..."
Hopefully you didn't take it badly, just my opinion.
Oh, P.S. The bit where he describes himself, make it seem less like a blog "about me" if you know what I mean, perhaps causing it to be repeated to himself, as he already knew it (obviously!) but was saying it to himself.
QUOTE (Assassin @ Aug 2 2009, 09:22 PM)
Though it may sounds harsh, I found the writing style a bit dull, and although I get the picture that he's sad, alone and feeling depressed (murders), it needs to liven up, not happy nor jolly, but the writing style, and I don't mean fun things happening to ruin the tension, but to enthrall the reader.
Also, the momentraly pauses (...) seemed to be used too often in such a short sentence, and the Aggy part could be extended to give a brief introduction to her, only a few words, perhaps (if she's like this) "That old woman, no matter how deformed, is what gave me meaning to life, and reason to keep going, step by step..."
Hopefully you didn't take it badly, just my opinion.
Oh, P.S. The bit where he describes himself, make it seem less like a blog "about me" if you know what I mean, perhaps causing it to be repeated to himself, as he already knew it (obviously!) but was saying it to himself.
Also, the momentraly pauses (...) seemed to be used too often in such a short sentence, and the Aggy part could be extended to give a brief introduction to her, only a few words, perhaps (if she's like this) "That old woman, no matter how deformed, is what gave me meaning to life, and reason to keep going, step by step..."
Hopefully you didn't take it badly, just my opinion.
Oh, P.S. The bit where he describes himself, make it seem less like a blog "about me" if you know what I mean, perhaps causing it to be repeated to himself, as he already knew it (obviously!) but was saying it to himself.
I value your opinion. However I think you may have misunderstood what this section is.
This is the protagonist introducing himself to the reader in a one on one basis.
Thank you for your comments
QUOTE (Crozoro @ Aug 5 2009, 05:58 AM)
QUOTE (Assassin @ Aug 2 2009, 09:22 PM)
Though it may sounds harsh, I found the writing style a bit dull, and although I get the picture that he's sad, alone and feeling depressed (murders), it needs to liven up, not happy nor jolly, but the writing style, and I don't mean fun things happening to ruin the tension, but to enthrall the reader.
Also, the momentraly pauses (...) seemed to be used too often in such a short sentence, and the Aggy part could be extended to give a brief introduction to her, only a few words, perhaps (if she's like this) "That old woman, no matter how deformed, is what gave me meaning to life, and reason to keep going, step by step..."
Hopefully you didn't take it badly, just my opinion.
Oh, P.S. The bit where he describes himself, make it seem less like a blog "about me" if you know what I mean, perhaps causing it to be repeated to himself, as he already knew it (obviously!) but was saying it to himself.
Also, the momentraly pauses (...) seemed to be used too often in such a short sentence, and the Aggy part could be extended to give a brief introduction to her, only a few words, perhaps (if she's like this) "That old woman, no matter how deformed, is what gave me meaning to life, and reason to keep going, step by step..."
Hopefully you didn't take it badly, just my opinion.
Oh, P.S. The bit where he describes himself, make it seem less like a blog "about me" if you know what I mean, perhaps causing it to be repeated to himself, as he already knew it (obviously!) but was saying it to himself.
I value your opinion. However I think you may have misunderstood what this section is.
This is the protagonist introducing himself to the reader in a one on one basis.
Thank you for your comments
Ok, thanks for explaining, but you need to remember, that quite often, no matter how obvious, a lot of readers will take it for a different meaning, even though it's been explained, it still feels like I said.
Hope you understand, I just mean, make sure you twist it a bit so it'll be good any way.
But anyway, yah, it's good
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