Hey, was bored and read some of your (great) small stories. I decided to write a short (short short short) story myself, my goal was to simply stray from the common focal point of a completely futuristic city in which robots rule, and based it in a village/small town, one not worthy enough for the dictator to pump money into it for technologic advancements and state security. I had fun writing it and that's all that really matters to me, not really *that* much thought put into it and just a typical write-as-you-go storyline.



The grinding of cart-wheels, the laughter of the children, the bartering of the merchants and the calm humming of the controversial 'Volksschutzeinheit's engines filled the air, yet all that I could sense at this time was the small knife's grip stroking against the skin of my sweaty palm. I recalled my mentor's words, "This knife I hold has been bound to your blood. Take it, and you make an unspoken oath to finish the task at hand. Take it and refuse to fulfill your oath and the blade's thirst for blood will need to be satisfied through your own reserves... You have 24 hours before it gets to that point." The man I was following had headed from the morning sun's warmth into the dark townhouse I had been given the access codes to. I hesitantly started my march towards the back alley behind the building. I greeted the dank shade with a nervous smile and approached the panel on the cold brick wall. With a few taps from my finger and a bit of good memory the door unlocked, yet I didn't step through. I dropped the knife and started running. First slowly, then quickening my pace to a frantic sprint. Not thinking... Running. The tears burning in my eyes prevented me from seeing the child I knocked down, the exhaustion aching in my bones and numbing my muscles stopped me from acknowledging the dog shit I stumbled in.

I woke up stinking and sweating as if the contents of my stomach had evaporated and seeped through to the surface. I slowly turned to my side, realizing I had passed out on the now deserted cobblestone of the market, watching the clock on the tower of the church looking down at me, counting down the time I had yet left to live.

/End

This should not be in the category of MechScape.

Shorten the name, perhaps? I know that this is a short story, but it never says what he was supposed to do - or was this unclear to him also? Consider rephrasing / rewording.

Setting? Check.
Conflict? Check.
Climax? Check.
Resolution? Check.

It's a story alright, and it most certainly is short. I'm impressed.
For originality, length, and a well executed ambiguous ending, I'd give it an 8...



...make that a 9/10.




Volksschutzeinheit engines? Knives that can kill you after you throw them away? Sounds like techology to me.

I don't recall any of these. Conflict hasn't happened yet, which means the other two have not either.There is no climax because he has just received this mysterious knife and has not figured out what to do with it yet.

He has to kill the guy = conflict
Whether or not he kills the guy = climax
He doesn't kill the guy = resolution
Need to go back to school = you



Just because you are unable to make basic inferences, does not mean the character is also.
He's stalking someone after being given a knife. I wonder why...

Wow really awesome wordchoice! It flows great and can tell you are a great writer. Isnt much a story more like a Poem? But awesome none the less

You are a great writer, but you do need some improvements, like above.

About Volksschutzeinheit, that sounds, er, German

I, that coming from the person who gave him a higher score because he added:


Wow, I guess I should definitely listen to how you broke down his short-story, since you obviously know what's best.

Volksschutzeinheit is "Public Protection Unit" in German.
Nice try with that little bit of foreign language in there, but I don't think that will work too well.

Good story not to sure how it relates to MechScape however. :P

Heh, I can't read this without laughing. Anyway, I stand by my decision, and yes I do know what's best.

:P

I used that East-German style name for it to hint at a Dictatorial government attempting to watch over and control the lives of the inhabitants under it's rule with surveillance units named as such as a petty cover-up for their real intentions, sort of a link of similarity between the SED and whatever ruling party that planet may have. For example, the East-Germans built up the Berlin Wall and claimed that it was used to keep the 'fascists' out and accordingly named it the 'antifaschistischer Schutzwall' though it's true intention was to keep the citizens in to stop them from leaving.

Hope that's in the clear now