I am probably the worst person in the world of thinking of titles . So, I haven't got one currently, but as I get along, it'll pop up out of nowhere.



I looked down and saw a shadow. This shadow, however, looked very odd. It was walking on five legs, and its body was shaped like a spider. Whatever it was, it was advancing on me. I tried not to turn around and swipe him with my sword. I had to keep my secret. Or else. It was gaining on me; I could hear its muffled snorts behind m-
�AAAARGHHHHH!"
No time to think. I had to do it. I spun around and vaulted over the Spider. Spider fumbled with the holster of its laser. I didn't stop flying; I spread my wings and soared over MechScape. It was a wonderful planet, full of spaceships supporting me, the lightning cracked over the mountains. But it wasn't time for admiring the scenery.

I sharply darted to the right and saw Spider aiming its laser at me. A deadly weapon it was indeed. Only the best of the best had a laser. It squeezed the trigger. Yes, I could see even from this height. It came with my gift of flying. The burning beam of red light appeared on my left, only centimetres beside my wing.

Spider continued running with its five legs at an amazing speed. The light appeared again, this time far away from me. I chuckled in satisfaction, but stopped. Spider was now no longer a spider. It was now a mega-large spider, almost as tall as the height I was flying in! I saw in its hot red, blazing eyes that something very bad was going to happen.

Its laser grew with it, and was as big as a tree. The laser was pointed straight at me, no way of escaping. It squeezed the trigger.
�NOOOOOOOO!"
My right wing had caught on fire! I plummeted down, down, down. Down to the depths of MechScape, and landed with a hard thud.

I looked up at the stars and let my wing of fire spread. I started counting them, one by one.
�One, two, three, four..."
I saw Spider shrinking to his normal size and crawl over to me.
you'll never succeed, Challen. Give up, Spider said.
I turned my head and felt the anger grow in me.
�Same to you, Moyes,"� I wheezed.
�Five, six, sixxx...�"



Watkins watched the flickering figure on the hologram suddenly disappear.
"Carnley! Switch it on!" Watkins said, annoyed, sitting up.
I looked at my sister with blazing eyes.
"Don't you understand!?" I yelled. I pointed to the still fading picture above the table.
"That's our brother, right in front of your nose, burning to his death!" I roared. "We have to go. Now! Our secret will be out."
I grabbed my sister's arm and pulled her downstairs. I pushed the button on the wall, and the door slid open with a small poof. We both looked up at the amazing structure towering above us.

My sister was born a pilot and was meant to be. Which was why her entire face lit up like a sun coming out of an eclipse when she saw it.





-s

wow... you're a great writer, better than my attempt :/. Nice job, 8/10

-steven

That was very detailed and entertaining. Good job.

That was very interesting, good job.

Thanks all

You should call it attack of the mech spiders.

Very good, 8.5/10

that's brilliant, very captivating and interesting.

That was better than i would've done

Moyes has five legs

i think the ending needs more work in it, but overall superbly written better than i could have wrote

Thank you .

Remember to vote, guys!

I'm sure your curious, so I'll just tell you, I was the one who voted a four.

Nothing personal, and though I think you did a rather nice job for your age, I honestly expect more from you in particular.

It's a decent short story, but a short story shouldn't be about one person in a peril. You need to actually feel for the character in order to care for their problem, which is something that didn't happen in this story.

The dialouge was rather bad and cliched. I'd definitely recommend working on more unique and clever dialouge.

It's about what I'd expect from a smart and literate twelve year old that posts on forums in her spare time. I'd say to keep working on it, and read more classic books instead of fantasy books. While fantasy books are good for your creativity there are better books that will help you write better.

You know, this is my first 'proper' story I've ever published on the internet, besides from a blog. Just to tell you all the truth.

There always are firsts, and I understand that some of my responses will be like yours. But seriously, in general, would you have thought I was a 12 years old, looking at my posts?

I would of guessed you were between twelve and fifteen.

While many people online tend to underestimate teenagers, I do not.

Being fourteen years old myself, I tend to have high expectations for teenagers who actively visit forums. While I'm disappointed a lot, there are many times, especially when it comes to forums with lots of people who love literature, in which I meet mature and intelligent teenagers.

I'd recommend that you just keep at it. The story I submitted in the art contest, "Silence is the Name" is the only legit story I've ever posted on the internet. I've been working on trying to make a better version of it, so maybe you could start by editing this story into something bigger?

That's what I was thinking. The problem is, despite the fact I am a genius-reader, I can't seem to get any ideas for later on. At school, I just write my ideas on the spot.

That's also why I don't like making up titles >.<

Same here. I usually get good ideas at the worst possible times. Like during a test, a lecture, or when I'm trying to fall asleep.

Which is why I try to take thirty minutes every day to just think. I usually just walk around the house, or run around in circles on my almost broken trampoline.

I usually just reflect on certain things going on in my life. Sometimes it leads to coming up with pretty legit ideas for a story or poem.

Also, when it comes to making a title, it's always a good idea to not think about one until after you write the story. For this story, I think a good title might be "Counting the Stars" (or something along those lines), although I might just be saying that because it was the part of the story I liked the most.

I was actually thinking of 'Gone' or 'Lost' or something of that kind, something to match the story. I actually don't plan out my story at first, I just, well, write

I agree with Pipin, you need a longer story for this.

And spiders have 6 legs... maybe explain why there is 5 in a the story?
Why does the spider grow?

You have "the Spider" - grammar error

And is it the spider, or Spider as in a name?

Need more explanation in the story as to what is going on and why. MORE detail please. :P

:o You need to give posative critisisim Max P=

I liked it, there was actually a sense of urgency and fear about it, which is a hard thing to achieve in such a short story ^_^ it's wanting me to try and write something about mechscape myself!

Cool, I suggest you put more detail in where you are and what your surroundings look like. Remember to impliment the who, what, when, where, how, idea into your writing.

Heres an example of my own writing Sorry I couldn't resist

My hands cold with excitement as I shakingly yet confindently steer my X450 Mech ship through the endless void of the galaxy.

I practically roflled at that :xd:

I put 5 legs, because, well, it's MechScape :P . And plus, I said that its body was shaped like a spider, not actually a proper spider.
I also randomly put growing in there, because that's its ability?

That's very nice, Hollo, I'll try to to that :) . And thanks to everybody for the CC!

I've thought about the story over the past week, and came up with a good idea. I'm going to write it now.